DOES IT AFFECT RELATIONSHIPS?

         By DIANE MCCANN

Having been involved in Breathwork or Rebirthing for over 30 years, birth has continued to fascinate me. From the original days of women having our feet up in stirrups to Frederick LeBoyer who suggested gentle birthing using no theatre lights, no cutting of the cord until it had stopped pulsating, through to water birthing and now Lotus
Birthing..

In breathwork we see on a daily basis the results of various types of conception and birth trauma on the psyche of adults! I put in a little disclaimer here mainly because Guilt is an emotion most people are familiar with and many like to hang onto! Remember that everything is perfect and the baby’s soul does choose when and how to be born in order to have the experiences that would reap most benefit!

Conception is an important time as what goes on between the parents is passed immediately to the foetus. Imagine an unmarried woman being pregnant 50 years ago... The shame, the guilt, the fear of telling the parents, the worry of what to do next that goes through the mother is all passed to the foetus. I liken the unwanted pregnancy to a seed planted in the ground, the seed breaks open and a little wispy plant emerges, very fragile and very delicate, and the thought that the person is unwanted or unloved is born (in the unconscious mind). Then throughout life similar feelings of being unwanted, of being shameful (down deep in the cells) of worrying over things you can’t change come up to the surface. Every time something “sad or bad” happens, the plant gets stronger until, in adulthood, after the third relationship breaks down or sabotaging of the self (via losing a job, having no money) occurs for the umpteenth time, this tiny seed has now become a huge oak tree with roots down into the earth and you KNOW you will always be unwanted.

People with trauma in conception or birth carry it through into their relationships. Why? Because it is the only way they can get to revisit the experience and heal the past with their current partner. There is a saying in rebirthing: “Love brings up anything unlike itself ” – what is unlike love? Hate, jealousy, rage, anger, hurt etc.

Now let’s look at some known birthing styles which have been catalogued and researched over a 25 year period.

Breech births: Often believe as adults they do it the wrong way. They often do things the hard way and can create a lot of struggle, neither of which is a pleasant experience in relationships!

Premature: Often hold the belief system - I am helpless, I can’t survive, I can’t make it. Look but don’t touch. They believe they have to do it on their own. They have a problem with touch (like caesareans). They want it but can’t allow themselves to have it, always a challenge in relationships… I want you / No I don’t…. but also the dependency
issues can be strong.

Inductions: Remember we are born when we need to be born. If the mother feels she is not ready then the child will play out the pattern. What inductions do is interrupt the person’s natural timing and they often feel out of time. There can be anger and resentment about being forced to do things and this shows up strongly in relationships. They hate being induced to do things and anger is often just below the surface.

Anaesthetic: Everything the mother takes in goes to the placenta. A lot of the baby’s support system isn’t working and that follows through into adulthood. They have a belief that people are not there for them. They often have numbness in their bodies. They have a strong need to be in control and this doesn’t augur well for relationships.

In sex the numbness sets in and people don’t “feel” what is happening, they think there is more but they don’t know what it is.

Caesarian: Often everything is done to them and for them throughout their lives. There can be an interruption pattern. They often feel they don’t need to go through the steps of 1-10 because they didn’t. Often in relationships these people can’t let themselves be really intimate and can be too dependent or too independent.

Cord around neck: Limits and reduces oxygen. I can’t breathe. I don’t want to be born. Neck trouble, speech problems, asthma. Struggle to stay alive. Can’t get enough of anything. In relationships these people want to be loved but they often feel that they can’t breathe in the relationship which causes them to leave.

Forceps: Can be up to 60 lb pressure on baby. Severe headaches, migraines, neck and spine trouble. Lot of anger, covert or overt. Issues regarding manipulation. Misshapen head results in feelings of ugliness. Manipulation is the biggest issue here in relationships and they feel manipulated a lot.

All in all many adults are still carrying around the results of their conception and birth in the cells of their bodies. As a Rebirthing Trainer I have seen, more times than I can count, the start of a bruise on the forehead of someone who had a forceps delivery 40 years ago; or a bright red ugly mark around the neck of the person born with the cord around their neck. I have nearly passed out many times from the release of anaesthetic from the cells of the body years and years after their own birth occurred. Research is showing us that birthing is very important and all those things that happen to us from conception through birth and the first couple of years of life are stored inside us waiting to be released.

So how does this affect relationships? Well if you have a pattern from birth that says you were unwanted (perhaps because a parent left or mother was not married) then you will have to create (by the law of attraction) a partner who believes they have to leave you to survive (from their birth story)…. You will always create the person you need to bring up your patterns in a way that will allow you to heal them (if you are conscious enough to catch the pattern!) When we are left by our lover we often feel like the victim, never realising that our own pattern created it.

People who can’t commit, people who are always leaving relationships have a strong birth pattern arising in them. The first place we all left was our mother’s womb so unless we do some work around healing our birth, we will continue to have the need to leave
come up time and time again. Birth memories lodge themselves in the subconscious mind and the cellular memory
bank. These are accessible given the right coaching and environment like rebirthing. The challenge with leaving is that it rarely gets anyone anywhere. Many kids wanted to run away from home at least once, it is a common fantasy often not acted out. You might create the perfect home and family but because of the pattern still running from the womb, your mind cannot justify leaving when things are good so you go ahead and make it bad or sad in order to have a reason to run. Of course whatever you leave behind will follow you if it is unresolved. Yvonne left Canada and moved to Australia to get away from her mother. Her new neighbour was wonderful on the first day, bringing around scones and tea. The second day the neighbour brought a casserole. By the fifth day it felt intrusive and by the second week the neighbour started talking just like Yvonne’s mother and Yvonne realised she had moved half way across the world but her mother and the issues she had with her were still there staring her in her face!

People who have massive struggle in their relationships are carrying a struggle pattern from birth, after all it was a struggle to get out of that tiny place! You can’t go back but the feeling is you can’t go on. Definite birth thought. If you caused your mother pain at birth then often you will manifest that same pain in relationships. And on it goes.

When I see people locked in battle in relationships (or with themselves), I know that rebirthing can heal that pain. When we teach Tantra, which gives couples enormous levels of intimacy and absolute connection, often one of the couple will cause a fight because the intimacy is just too great and they can’t cope in their hearts with all that love… for many, it is the most loved they have ever felt.

Many people look grown up, they are in adult bodies and they drive cars and have jobs and probably children. . . Often what is lurking beneath the façade of the grown up is a little kid who never really got their needs met at birth or in early childhood and who has attracted into their life the very person they need to bring out the patterns. Have you ever seen couples fighting? Often it looks like two little kids throwing temper tantrums in the playground.

If we want to have relationships that work then we need to work on ourselves as well as on our relationship daily. That means both of you. That means it is smart to make your personal development the most important thing in your life. Without it life can be painful and filled with struggle; with it life can be harmonious and blissful. The choice is simple. When we have people who have healed their birth trauma and childhood patterns, they come together in relationship with open hearts and a willingness to grow; then we have conscious babies being born and we will finish up with a conscious world.

Diane McCann facilitates The Goddess Within seminar
for women and together with her husband Robert,
facilitates Man’s Inner Journey for men and Tantra for
couples. (www.goddesswithin.com.au;
www.mansinnerjourney.com; www.tantraaustralia.com)
They can be reached via email on
beyondtheordinary@adelaide.on.net or by phone on
08 82481281